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Escaping hatred and falsehoods like discrimination is becoming increasingly difficult
In times of fake news, social bots and hate speech, we believe more than ever that
Sites like https://trans-weib.blogspot.com/ play an important role.
Now again we would like to give solidarity to these desperate, support you in your fight for justice and humanity!
This blog was blocked several times by both Google and Fecebook, we know everything is checked!
But where injustice should become justice, resistance is a duty!
Stories that have a right to be told!
I was born and raised in a small community in the state of Jalisco. In the 1980s there weren't even any paved roads or highways, you could only get there by a small sidewalk, it was a very bad place and we lived in very bad conditions. precarious, we had no public services, we had no electricity, there were no hospitals. We only had drinking water but the service was spotty.
My mother married my 23-year-old father when she was 13, and they had their first child a year later when she was 14. They had 20 children in total, but 5 died before they turned one due to lack of care and the precarious conditions in which we lived. I was 13th, I was always ashamed when they asked me how many siblings I had because when I commented on it people made fun of it.
My older brothers asked my parents to stop having children, but my mother said she would have the children God wanted her to have. We had scarce financial, material, health, hygienic and educational resources and lived in extreme poverty. My older brothers had to work from the age of 4 or 5 to avoid starvation. They worked in the fields, prepared the land, and planted corn. They brought firewood, gathered tejocotes, tuna and other food. The younger siblings started working in the fields until we were 8 years old because our older siblings were taking care of us. My mother also worked with us in the fields, but my father didn't work and was always drunk. We all suffered from malnutrition, we had very few clothes, and often we didn't even have shoes.
My family had problems with another family in the ward. I remember when I was 6 years old that several people from this family came to my home with sticks and guns, beat my whole family and threatened to kill one of my brothers who had to flee to the United States. Later another 5 of my brothers left, they started sending money from there and our financial situation improved a little.
Due to the lack of attention from our parents and the overcrowding in which we lived, I suffered sexual harassment and abuse from a young age. In the room I slept in there were 7 of us, there were three beds as I can remember sleeping in one bed with my older sister who kept me from 3 or 4 years old until I was 11 years old. Sexually abused when I was clear and determined enough to defend myself and sleep far away from her. During this time I tried several times to sleep in a different bed, but nobody let me, you couldn't get out of the routine. I was also constantly harassed and abused by another of my brothers who was just looking for the right moment to abuse me when I was little. I later learned that I had also molested my two younger sisters. And as if that wasn't too much .
My mom knew about this abuse because one of my younger sisters told her when she was 5 years old, but she didn't believe her and the harassment and abuse continued until we were old enough to stand up for ourselves.
Sometimes I thought that all of these abuses had been a nightmare, but it wasn't, it was real. I didn't tell anyone, I knew they wouldn't believe me. I once heard on the radio about a girl who had been sexually abused by her father and had become pregnant. I was only 5 years old. I looked at my little tummy and wondered if I was pregnant, which made me very scared. Can you imagine a girl this age wondering about that?
There was only one elementary school in the community, but most of the people did not study and many could not read or write. Most of them did not attach importance to studying, they considered learning to be a waste of time and resources. The only way for a woman to leave home is to get married, and most marry very young. I saw two sisters try to move to a nearby town and they were not allowed to return, threatening and physical violence.
In this place, domestic and gender-based violence is so common that it has become the norm. When I had my first boyfriend when I was 12, my mother found out, forced me to cut him off, and ordered one of my brothers to hit me, who hit me with a belt several times.
Life in this place is hostile, there is a lot of ignorance and violence, especially towards women. But for me it was even more complicated because I have an intersex body, that is, one with different sexual characteristics. In my case, I have testosterone levels that are considered high for a woman. So I went through precocious puberty. This started at the age of 7, I was growing too fast, I stopped growing too soon, and I grew a lot of body hair. Around the age of 13, I started growing facial hair, my hips did not flicker, and I developed virtually no breasts.
When I was about 7 years old, my mother took me to see a doctor who attended the ward. She wanted to know what was happening to me. The doctor simply said that everything was fine and that I was healthy. She seemed to be calm with this answer and did not take me back to the doctor for this reason.
I had a boyfriend at the age of 13, the relationship lasted almost 4 years, everything went well for the first few months, but later he would tell me things like: "You look like a man", "It seems like I am one Kiss man "," Your breasts are very small "," You grow a beard "etc.
As expected, my family also noticed these differences and criticized my physical appearance on several occasions. Even my mother said to me on occasion, alluding to my physical appearance, "No man will love you the way you are." Hearing this made me feel really bad, not because I was worried a man wouldn't love me, but because my own mother would think that of me.
Because of all the bad comments I received, I decided to see a doctor who was visiting the ward. He asked me to take off my blouse, he saw and touched my breasts, he also checked my genitals, and later he commented: "Something can still be done". After the review, I wonder if I would be willing to undress in front of several doctors, to whom I shyly replied "yes". There were people outside the office who knew me and I realized that everything that was said was heard inside. I was very worried. A few days later, a cousin told me that there were rumors that I was actually a "man". When I heard this, I was very angry and desperate. I never went back to this doctor.
For the next 15 or 20 days my life was a nightmare, everyone in the church looked at me strangely, sometimes I heard his comments, they said he was actually "a man". Some of my brothers bothered me more because of this, they wanted me to do harder work and they justified it because they said I looked like a man. When I couldn't do something, they asked me because I didn't have enough strength. They said, “Why are you so sensitive when you look like a man? You should be stronger ... "
Around this time my mother became seriously ill, I thought she was going to die. I took her to Guadalajara where there lived a sister who took her to a doctor and we took care of her at home while she recovered. City life caught my attention, everything was new to me, everything was amazing. There I realized that there were other ways of life. After my mother recovered, I tried to convince her to let me stay in town with my sister, but she wouldn't.
When I turned 15, a telesekundaria school opened in a nearby community, so I didn't hesitate to sign up as I wanted to keep studying. Every day when I walked to school for about an hour, I felt very happy. However, we had to wear a uniform that consisted of a skirt and a blouse. I had a lot of hair on my legs and had to wax it every day to keep it from showing up. I once did not shave well and found a classmate to notice. The word quickly spread throughout the school and I began to suffer from bullying. They saw me as a "freak" and made hurtful comments. I felt very embarrassed and scared, it was a very terrible experience and my self-esteem went down. In addition, more and more hair grew on my face, I could no longer hide my differences so easily, I suffered a lot in silence, who could I tell what happened to me? I was scared and very ashamed. I became an extremely shy and withdrawn person.
My mother, she argued with me every morning because she didn't want me to continue studying. She said it was a waste of time and money even though she never gave me any money. Despite the food shortages, lack of transportation, resources, bullying, and all the difficulties, I finished high school.
At that time, I developed a skin problem due to allergies. My mother took me to a doctor. When I checked my face, she found that I had facial hair and recommended that I do a study to check my hormone levels. When the results came back they told me I have very high testosterone levels and he recommended that I see a gynecologist. The gynecologist examined me and prescribed some contraceptive pills called Diane. She told me that the pills would reduce facial and body hair, but it didn't work.
I got on with my life when I was 20 my dad got sick, needed surgery and special care, so my mom, dad, sister and I moved to a nearby town while my dad was recovering. A year later, my father and mother returned to the church, but my sister and I decided to stay and live in town to continue our studies, despite the reluctance of my mother to threaten us, blackmail us and whoever happened every time could tell us that studying was a waste of time. One of my brothers, who lived in the USA, started to give us financial support so that we could live and study, without his help it would not have been possible.
My sister was in high school, and I worked and studied high school. We supported each other a lot and got very close. Despite my financial insecurity and constant threats from my mother, I managed to finish high school.
In this small town, I shed the weight of family and community. I started exercising, reading various books I had rented from a nearby library, and getting to know myself and studying the experiences I had in the community. Life here gave me a different perspective, I felt free.
I started psychological therapy and was faced with what I always wanted to deny: the abuse I suffered as a child when I first talked about it was something terrible, I got depressed when I faced it what had happened to me, but in the long run it was something that happened to me that helped me heal. I remember when I started therapy I didn't look the psychologist in the eyes while I was talking to her, I didn't do it to anyone, and she taught me to look her in the eye and hold her gaze.
Later, I decided to go to university, took and passed the tourism career entrance exam. A semester later, my sister took the agribusiness career exam and passed it too. Another of my sisters decided to move in with us and started high school and then high school.
Many things were new to me, life in the city was very different from life in the community, most of the young people were very "extroverted", I felt out of place in many aspects and situations, I was out of place in many things deliberately; But then she tried, directionless, unsure, but there she was. Despite all the difficulties, I knew it was an opportunity I never thought possible. With everything and my limitations, with my communication difficulties and with financial shortages, I went on.
Despite my fear of the properties of my body, I started taking a swimming class. The instructor was watching me in a strange way and noticed that he sometimes criticized me with other colleagues, but tried not to give him any meaning. I was very fond of swimming, I was a quick learner, and that helped me improve my self-esteem and physical condition.
While studying, I had a lot of stress due to the harassment of some classmates who bothered me about my appearance. I've done a few excursions, they were happy times. My favorite trip was when I first met the sea and saw whales, it was an amazing experience.
At that time, I noticed a whitish liquid was coming out of my nipples, I went to a gynecologist, he did tests on me and he told me that I was high in prolactin and this was a result of the contraceptive pills I was taking to reduce body hair like this I stopped taking them because they didn't work and just gave me problems.
During an appointment at the gynecologist, a nurse came up to me and said: “I know an endocrinologist who is very good and can help you.” Without telling him about my situation, he said to me: “I'm growing too, I couldn't get pregnant, but with treatment he gave me, I got pregnant. The problem is that she lives in Colima and the consultations are expensive. “I just wanted the hair to go away, I was desperate because I was being discriminated against, so I went to this endocrinologist and he asked me several questions, including if I had a karyotype when I was born knowing what my chromosomes were. I prescribe some hormones called Adaltone A. but he told me not to expect big changes as they would not reduce facial hair much. That made me very sad, I didn't go back to him or any other doctor because of this situation.
One day I decided to go on a blind date with a friend of my sister's friend. The four of us went out, went to a bar, and then to our house. I drank too much alcohol that night until I passed out. The next day I realized what had happened to me: This man raped me while I was unconscious. My sister did nothing to prevent that. I felt terribly bad and decided to speak to the psychologist again, who recommended that I buy emergency contraceptive pills, get some tests - which luckily went well - and resume therapy with her, which helped me quickly to heal.
I started my internship, I had to choose a tourist location, I wanted to go far away, I finally decided on Quintana Roo, where I started to work in a tourist park. Every day he swam in the ocean, it was something he really enjoyed. My colleagues treated me very well from the start, everyone was very nice and attentive, nobody judged me by my appearance.
Together with two other colleagues and a colleague from the race, we rented a house for the time we would do the exercises. The boys were very nice and attentive, they always looked after me, the girl was also very nice to me, over time I felt attracted to her, and although she had a partner - her partner lived in another city - we started a relationship with no obligations. He treated me well, listened to me, “accepted” me for who I was, and more importantly, after all, someone didn't criticize my looks, so he quickly became special to me. He was the first person I became familiar with on a voluntary basis. However, as expected, we had problems as she had a partner, was jealous, and also had problems with drugs and alcohol. Ever since I met her, I noticed that I started drinking more and went to a lot of parties. We broke up after 3 months of relationship.
Eventually the professional practices were over, I returned to Jalisco and she returned to her city. I felt depressed and lonely.
I've been through many situations like this.
I started to work and wanted to study another career, but my finances were not going well at all. I also got sick - later found out it was typhoid - I got a fever, nausea, diarrhea and malaise, but I didn't have the money to go to the doctor, sometimes I didn't even have enough money for rent.
I fell into a severe depression that lasted for months. I felt very lonely and sick. This time it helped me learn more about my body and its properties. I started searching the internet and found the Intersex Compass project. I started reading stories from people who were born with intersex bodies. I couldn't stop reading it. These and my stories had a lot in common. This is where my motivation to help people like me was born, but at that time I couldn't help myself. I also started reading books on self improvement, which helped me a lot.
I felt like I couldn't keep playing the victim, physically I still felt sick, but I had to keep going so I went back to Quintana Roo to work. I finally had money to go to the doctor and they diagnosed me with typhoid, they gave me treatment, but I didn't follow her as the doctor said and the problem continued.
The badly treated typhoid, the fear, the insecurity, the depression, everything was attributed to the stress that I perceived as "different". Again I felt that I couldn't take it anymore, I spent a long time without being able to sleep, I suffered a lot physically and emotionally, I didn't want to live anymore, I seriously thought about committing suicide.
One day I remembered the intersex side of Brújula so I sent a message, I thought they wouldn't reply to me, but to my surprise Laura Inter, who coordinates the project, answered me and gave me information. I started talking to her on the phone, I told her about my experiences, including my body and its peculiarities, and she told me that from what I said it was a fact that I was a person with you intersex body was. I was happy to confirm it, but part of me was sad because I still wanted to be a "normal" woman. I needed time to assimilate. Since we first spoke, she has become one of the most important people in my life. With her I could be myself, I didn't feel the need to pretend or hide anything. We started talking almost every day, we talked about a lot of topics.
One day I invited her to the city where she lived. She told me that one day she would visit me. I saw it a bit far away really, but only a month passed and she told me that she would visit me. I couldn't believe it! He sent me a picture of the plane ticket and I said to myself: Yes, it is serious! I couldn't believe he was taking this trip just to see me. I was happy and nervous to meet her in person.
The big day came, I went to the airport for her, when I saw her coming I went to meet her and we hugged. I was surprised she was very pretty, she doesn't usually send photos and I never asked her for one. We got to the apartment where he lived, left our bags and went to the beach. I remember there was a full moon that night. While she was on the beach she asked me, "Can I take your hand?", I didn't answer, I just took her hand, crossed my fingers and said, "How good that you are here", I immediately hugged her side and we kept talking, we were so close that I suddenly kissed her and she returned. It was great! He couldn't believe it, it seemed like he was in a dream. A beautiful dream, the best thing is that it was a reality. 3 days passed and we officially became friends, everything went very quickly. I didn't mean to think I was just being carried away.
We spent an amazing week together and went to beautiful places in the Caribbean. I was very happy and so was she. She told me she couldn't change her place of residence so easily, and I thought: I'm going with her, even though I haven't told her. He returned to his town and when he left I felt a void, although it was temporary. We talked on the phone every day and I felt her close.
I moved near the city my girlfriend lived in, I met her family, they were all very nice. In a short period of time, I got a career-related job and rented a room. We could see each other almost every day.
My friend took me to a doctor who was treating me for typhoid, I followed the treatment closely, and within a month I was perfectly healthy. I remember when he went to an appointment with this doctor he asked me about my gender identity and told me that he worked with the trans community. He told me he could recommend a gynecologist who would give me treatment if I choose to. I just watched him without saying anything and finally I told her that I didn't want to make any changes, that she was a woman and that she was happy as she was.
Together with Laura, I started traveling, meeting other people with intersex bodies, attending conferences and workshops on the topic, and all these experiences helped me to heal and love my body for what it is.
With Laura's advice I started my own project, I wanted to help other intersex people who had also experienced discrimination. This is how the Intersex and Androgynous Project was born in 2016, we offer support and guidance to other people born with different sexual characteristics and their families. We have a blog where we share our life experiences or anecdotes, mainly experiences of discrimination based on our sexual characteristics. We have a special support group for bearded women where we can talk about our experiences without feeling discriminated against. There we can cry and laugh without fear of being judged. We also participate in various events, workshops and projects in collaboration with the main intersex organizations in Mexico.
It's not easy to be a bearded intersex lesbian from a poor and marginalized community. I have made peace with my body and with my past. Right now I don't want to change anything about my body, I don't feel any hatred or resentment towards anyone and I have managed to forgive all the people who have hurt me. I continue to receive discrimination and negative comments from prejudice, but it no longer affects me like it did before. I know where their prejudices come from. Besides, I'm no longer alone. Now I have friends, a partner who loves me, and a community that represents my real family. The family does not always match your parents and siblings, the family can also be chosen by any person.
There are many people who have helped me heal on this long journey and I am grateful for how kind they have been to me. Starting with my older brother E., who taught me to read and write and made me love learning, my brother S. for the support he has given me since I was a child and for his financial support, the For me it was crucial to study and have a better life outside the community in which I was born, my sister Z. who accompanied me and sown the seeds of freedom in me, my partner Laura who founded the intersexual project Brújula and my companion from travel, she is one of the people I admire most, and ultimately all of my friends and friends within the intersex community. I wouldn't change anything in my life as everything that happened to me left me a lesson.
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